On this day...the Christ birth, So many things that I wanted to say...so many things that I wanted to share...
2010...is supposed to be a bad year for me. Well...a month ago I was still thinking like that. I was still blaming others why am I still having such a bad luck? Why am I the one who is always ill? Why am I who is the one who always got hurt? Why?...why?...why?...
And then one day, when I was planning to drive in to Pearl Point basement, to get my car wash. It was a Sunday. While I was waiting for my car done, I went up to get my favorite tea leaves, then headed to Popular...my intention was those CDs...as I don't have a good habit for reading...I thought all I wanted is to see some CDs...
and then...while I was wondering around inside the CD area, phone rang...It was Jo. We were talking about whether wanna have dinner together later or maybe a couple of drinks, suddenly this book's name appeared in my mind. It was introduce by a very nice lady named Ann in Penang. Who is trying to help me to get out of my deep grieving and my illness. She told me about this book last year, said it could help me. Then I was sad enough that I didn't even bother at all. Until recently, when I was talking to another friend named Anne...don't ask, it's all fate. She reminded me this book again and said that she has a Chinese version that can borrow me. But til then she never passed to me. So while I was talking to Jo on the phone, my mind appeared "The Secret". That time I was standing in front of one of the book rack. Effortlessly, it appeared in front of me. On the same height with my eye sight, right in front of me. I grabbed the book and paid to the cashier immediately.
I started to read on that night onwards...and it attracted me like a magnet. I started to understand, why am I feeling all those anger and miserable all the time. Why am I so broke? Why am I sick? Why am I keep detracting myself? Why all those bad things keep coming to me one by one? It is all because I don't love myself...I found myself unloved, I found myself got abandoned from my parents...I labeled myself without a value. I've got not even a tip of confident at all....
That was me...then I started to feel regret, isn't that too late for me to find out? I am the one who attracted all these bad things in my life...due to my negative thinking to the law of attraction...so horrible huh? Then I started to be more and more positive each day...be gratitude in life. Be cheerful and appreciate to everything I've got. Things has changed miraculously...I feel more healthier, more smiles every morning when I woke up...more happier with things that surrounded me. I started to love myself and accepted who I am. I have forgiven myself of the mistakes I have made, forgiven to those peoples that hurted me. Forgiven and apologized to to my parents and siblings. All I have done...is just the 4 phrases...I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me and thank you. Not in front of them, but in my heart...
Good friends that was already given up on me, has already attracted back by my happiness and positive energy, they all are so happy to see my transformation and new mindset. Thank you Lord, I have awaken by your greatest love. The best birthday present ever, the lesson of life...I have never been feeling so freedom and peace...it's all from my deepest of my heart. I was set free...
Good news keep coming in...I can easily attract a parking lot wherever I go...My car alarm that already dead for months, working so well now...And the best Christmas present ever...is I finally found a new job that I love. I know...there are more and more miracles that are gonna happen to me. I am waiting patiently...
Today, is my first day of training. First day of my period too. Woke up at 6am, felt fresh. Reached Klang at 8am, which was half an hour earlier...Then went in for training. Although things went not so smooth, a lil bit of messy, a lil bit of migraines...a lil of traffic jam, and...a lil bit of constipation...well I reached home at around 4.30pm. After I have gone to the government clinic to get my one month medications. I was freaking exhausted when I reached home...
After I have done my fb routine...I went for a nap for almost an hour. Woke up with a massive headaches...straight aways driven me to my emo again...badly...negative thinking keep attacking me, especially when I was thinking about Y, my god sister, my house mate. She is such a pain in my ass...sorry I know I shouldn't criticize her and say her in that way...she really driven me mad. The way that she acted, no confident, simply grab whatever black bean that got dick and whomever that can tell her "I love you" just to make her feel that she got value and loved and attention. What so ever I can think about...Now she even more irresponsible and stingy to this house. Not even come back to sleep. Whenever she appeared at home was because she wanted to do her laundry, that's all...and I found that whenever I sees her, it really pissed me off, I pity her mom that raised her up and now all her brain is about fucking a black dick. So pathetic!! This is not the first time that I have warned her not to screw up. but...but...but...
Sigh...the more I was thinking...the more anger strikes. Then I could't fight anymore...when I walked down to my desk and saw RM100 Jusco voucher on top of it. I knew she left it to me to go n get some groceries and food that I need...then I collapsed. All I asked for...is that she knows how to love herself. No one could do that if she doesn't. Even her mom...even her siblings, and even me. Why everytime she has to hurt herself in this ugly way? To hide away from her lack of confident? Lack of love? Lack of attention?? So I texted her, asking about the rental things...we talk in a proper ways, she told me that sorry that she couldn't help me in cash but only the voucher. And I also told her that I understand, all I wanted is to love herself instead of harming herself endlessly...and I wanna let you know that I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me and thank you...I'm truly...I don't know how you feel when I told you to love yourself, but I'm sure this is not the first time I told you to do that...this is the one and only most powerful way to your happy life...a real joy.
Then I called mom when I reached the mini Jusco that near my house. To wish her and told her that I found the job. She sounds so happy and thank god for the blessings and listen to her prayers. In the other side...I was silent. Then my voice turned shivered....I just don't know how to tell her the way I felt. I was feeling so imbalance...she said come back to god, go for baptist, then only I entitle to be god's child. He will take my problems away, give me guidance. Heal me and walk every single steps with me...and the most important, they could find me when I die, cause we are going to the same place...heaven.
To me now...my little inner space is my heaven. I found more and more peaceful inside there each day. Thank you mom, now I'm feeling much more better.
Wonder why I'm staying at home during the Christmas Eve? Because I found peaceful in my heart. Deep down inside...me, myself & I are getting along in 1 heart...feeling the joy and gratitude...with my 2 precious furkids. By the way, today is officially 2 years for KaKa came home...time flies...She is a beautiful and sweet girl now who only knows how to win my heart, I love you, KaKa...after this papa gonna peel oranges for you...
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