I feel like kinda wasted to sleep so early on Saturday night, especially ever since I've started this job...working 6 days a week, and only got a day off, even though I'm half brain dead now, but still...I would like to spend some quality times for myself...
Again I say...this is my blog, my own blog. I can post and say whatever I want...But I would not criticize...just an alternative way to express my feelings that's all...
What is life actually? No exact answer...And what is love? This I can tell...
Love...is unconditioned. No limits. No form. But full of flavors. I have spent 37.5 years to figure out what the hack is love, I know I'm not expert, but there is something that always true...without giving love...you will never take back any love.Simple as that...
I know sure you gonna tell me...why you've given tons of love away, why you haven't got any back in reward? Relax lah bro...belum sampai mah! Then if only you are giving love without expectation...then you can get back more than 10 times of rewards...
If you are giving love...with expectation...this is not love...but desire...lust...
I know I am talking craps...who cares?
Example, I have ignored Ally since we have broke off 4 years ago...for 3 years. Because I felt that I have given her all I had. Love, money everything...I deleted everything about her from my phone, fb, email....Even her photos. Nothing had left in my life. And we'd never spoke to each other again. There were so much hurts that I thought we would never like last time again...Until last year...I suddenly sent her an email, that I wanted to return back her watch that I have kept so long. In the email...I told her that dad has passed away, I have lost my gf things like that. After few days...I received a mail from her. Then we started to make friend again. I added her from Niu's fb acct. Started to trade ingredient from our restaurant city...but we never chat...
I didn't expect more than that...to me, this is a blessing that we could ever be friend again. Then later on...we met at her mom's house, that I know she misses Niu alot. Of course I misses BooBoo too...That was last year August. We started back our relationship as friends...Still...I found grateful. Without any expectations...
We chatted quite frequent at fb...she always know what I want. She always know when i got in trouble..and I can tell...I had never been feeling so good before...this is something beyond relationship...this is some kinda soulmate thingy...
Yes, both of us had never mentioned again what had happened to us before. Never! None of us wanted to find out....But now I can tell...we are beyond what we had before. She already has someone that she love. I never asked...and she never told. But it's alright. As long as I know she is happy. People changed. Ally changed. She is a better person now. I will always love her...nothing could ever replaced.
This is the love without expectation...now I got it rewarded from what I had...And I'm happy with the result. I love her...but without the desires and lust. Something more than just a friend...less than a partner...I feel good! Something really weird...whenever I feel down or emo...for sure I will receive her call from out of the sudden...even now I am broke, I sold my car, I sold my iPhone...but she is still there...this is too sweet to resist...this is love! I love you Ally...always!
Now...I always keeping my hope, ever since I have committed all to God, that I will meet my true love someday...just let it flow...whomever she is...I am sure it is fated.
And to you bay...allow me to call you still...to me, it's just a name. I know you've been peeping around...actually I do mind. Because it may be giving me wrong signals or what. Giving me wrong hopes...because I am still not fully recovered, Allow me to say something, do not do this just because of your loneliness...because my love to you is always true. I am thankful to you that you've finally talked to me in a polite way. The most important is that...you can really let go your hatred. (if you can). I am sorry that I have lied to your ex that I don't love you anymore...
You're a great person. It's just you're too insecure...try to love yourself more? You know when I was with you...I told myself that I would not allow you to hurt yourself under my monitoring? I know I failed...so please take care of yourself now. You still got long way to go...go prepare yourself before you met your true love...a person who is loving themselves, that only can find a true love....I will always here as I said...as a friend..a lover or more..who knows? But first...you need to figure out, how to love yourselves...
Bon jour~Mont cheri!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A quote from a good friend...
Dear Friend,
I may not be the one your choice, am not holding anything against you. It pains me to see where injustice and sadness is part of everyday life, do believe that someone will be there to call you up and say everything will be okay. Nothing heals like time. We might have our differences and you might not be ready to patch things up just yet, be sure to know that I will always be here for you. I will be ready to help you when you ask for it and be ready for you to approach me when you are ready to do so. Instead, please allow yourself to grow stronger and accept I accept you as you are. That's what true friends are for.
Thank you Nikki, it really touched me. And I believe that it could really pass this message to her as well. All I need to be now is a stronger person, to love her and protect her. And of course, to accept whatever it is...I know you can get through this hard time too. Just have a little faith in her, believe that she loves you as her best friend too. Just give her a bit more time.
I may not be the one your choice, am not holding anything against you. It pains me to see where injustice and sadness is part of everyday life, do believe that someone will be there to call you up and say everything will be okay. Nothing heals like time. We might have our differences and you might not be ready to patch things up just yet, be sure to know that I will always be here for you. I will be ready to help you when you ask for it and be ready for you to approach me when you are ready to do so. Instead, please allow yourself to grow stronger and accept I accept you as you are. That's what true friends are for.
Thank you Nikki, it really touched me. And I believe that it could really pass this message to her as well. All I need to be now is a stronger person, to love her and protect her. And of course, to accept whatever it is...I know you can get through this hard time too. Just have a little faith in her, believe that she loves you as her best friend too. Just give her a bit more time.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I love you..
I love you bay, for more than I could give. Until my very last breath that I wanna tell u, I love you...
Hold on there, this is your life lesson that you have to learn, til you've found that you are already a better person. I will always there, as long as you call my name.
Hold on there, this is your life lesson that you have to learn, til you've found that you are already a better person. I will always there, as long as you call my name.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The sweetest memories...
That I'm having in my life, was the 7 months with you. I finally have guts to read back all the post while we were together. I was smiling throughout the whole readings in my bed. So I decided to write this post although my eyes are barely open right now. It's just too excited that I wanted to write something...
Remember I said we all deserved to keep memories? No matter it has been good or bad? It's just a scar without pain by the end of the days. It reminds us to be a better person. I've found that there were more happiness compared to sadness while we were together. We might have some arguments sometimes but who doesn't? You may say that you've forgotten what we have gone through, but I just wouldn't forget for the rest of my life, because to me you are the most precious person that I love and care about. Even now and then, I shall never forget. I remember how I made you laugh, how did I managed to keep you warm. How I cheered you up. And how I learned all the sweet talks so hard to make you happy.And I also remember this icon- XD...These are all the sweetest memories to me B...I remember how we loved.
But still I found that I was not good enough to keep you feeling secure and happy. The old me was bad temper and stubborn. I thought I was good, good enough to walk with you for the rest of my life. I didn't give you any promises and I thought that you will have mutual understanding with me. I treated you as a worm in my stomach and expected you to know me everything. I pushed myself so hard to make sure that you won't compare me with the rest of your exes. But still...I have nothing different compared with them. I let you walked out of my life and didn't even brave enough to save you back.
I was having my biggest downfall ever since you have left me. I blamed it all on you. I forced myself to hate you so that I could move on. The more I pressured myself, the more miserable I was. Sooner, I have turned myself into a monster. Someone that I didn't even could recognize myself anymore. I've hurted my friends and family who loves me. Our kids are still having phobia whenever I raise my temper. I have turned KaKa into a nervous kid, even until now.
And then one day, when there was almost hopeless for everything, I told myself that I couldn't take it anymore. It is either I kill myself straight away, or I pull myself up. I read books and learned some meditation. Purpose was to cleanse away all my negative thoughts and all the traumas that I've been through. I finally found that all I have been went through, was actually the gift of my life, included you. It's God's will that wanted me to learn, to adventure what love is. To skills the power of love. Now I have found myself, the real me. Who live my life everyday with purpose. Who deserve the best. Who is loved...
Remember I said we all deserved to keep memories? No matter it has been good or bad? It's just a scar without pain by the end of the days. It reminds us to be a better person. I've found that there were more happiness compared to sadness while we were together. We might have some arguments sometimes but who doesn't? You may say that you've forgotten what we have gone through, but I just wouldn't forget for the rest of my life, because to me you are the most precious person that I love and care about. Even now and then, I shall never forget. I remember how I made you laugh, how did I managed to keep you warm. How I cheered you up. And how I learned all the sweet talks so hard to make you happy.And I also remember this icon- XD...These are all the sweetest memories to me B...I remember how we loved.
But still I found that I was not good enough to keep you feeling secure and happy. The old me was bad temper and stubborn. I thought I was good, good enough to walk with you for the rest of my life. I didn't give you any promises and I thought that you will have mutual understanding with me. I treated you as a worm in my stomach and expected you to know me everything. I pushed myself so hard to make sure that you won't compare me with the rest of your exes. But still...I have nothing different compared with them. I let you walked out of my life and didn't even brave enough to save you back.
I was having my biggest downfall ever since you have left me. I blamed it all on you. I forced myself to hate you so that I could move on. The more I pressured myself, the more miserable I was. Sooner, I have turned myself into a monster. Someone that I didn't even could recognize myself anymore. I've hurted my friends and family who loves me. Our kids are still having phobia whenever I raise my temper. I have turned KaKa into a nervous kid, even until now.
And then one day, when there was almost hopeless for everything, I told myself that I couldn't take it anymore. It is either I kill myself straight away, or I pull myself up. I read books and learned some meditation. Purpose was to cleanse away all my negative thoughts and all the traumas that I've been through. I finally found that all I have been went through, was actually the gift of my life, included you. It's God's will that wanted me to learn, to adventure what love is. To skills the power of love. Now I have found myself, the real me. Who live my life everyday with purpose. Who deserve the best. Who is loved...
Weekend ranting...
Went out with J last night. We went to Damansara Jaya and had few jugs of beers. She seems a bit moody at first she called me. So later when we met she told me that she is having her first day period, usual la...a lil bit of hormone imbalance...
Met a few friends there which I haven't seen for years, was mingling around. Then J saw a friend that we both knew as well. She started to come and chit chat with her for the whole night and left me aside. Sometimes touched my hair a while, sometimes held my hand, but the attention was still with that friend. We didn't talk much about the incident that happened few weeks ago. Just pretend nothing ever happened. After we finished the 3 jugs of beers, she told me that her friend L was asking us to go to another place. At first I was thinking maybe another pub or what, who knows it is a mini casino at ss2. I was a bit angry when I walked in and saw that kinda scenery. Cause I don't fancy all these stuff. Although there are unlimited beer supply. But it was bored. L started to lose quite alot of money, she kept swiping her card and ended up lost 18k. Imagine...how good if I've got 18k to spend instead of feeding this stupid machine. And J...also campur tangan for 'giving support'! I hate to see this and yet I was the one who drove her there so I just can't leave her there and go home. I have to wait...until she saw me fishing at the corner, then only she decided to leave...
To me, it was supposed to be another pleasant night to spend with my painkiller. But once I've seen her started to make so many excuses so that she could stay and gamble, I decided that I am not gonna take this pain killer anymore. Another thing is, she kept telling me who and who is going after her, who and who always humsup her, Ms.S wanted to patch back with her so badly.... whatever things that can possible make me jealous, I just smiles to her that's it.
Yes, I might be a vinegar pot sometimes but depend on who is that person. Wouldn't be bother so much if you don't really care about that person. She might can be a very good friend of mine, nothing else. Yes, this is my decision! And I've got no bad feelings towards my decision at all.
So while I was feeling so bored at the casino, I posted a status to my fb. Without sober, half drunk and half sleepy...I wrote: Yes I want you, but you are not the most I wanted. Not before, not presence and not in the future.
I knew she read that post. I was notified that she also posted a comment, but she has removed it as well. Although I couldn't see what she wrote, but definitely she has already angry with me. Is ok...this is what I want, right? No point to waste the time with someone that you don't love, or nothing in common with you. I just have to say...I love you J, sorry, please forgive me & thank you...The ho'oponopono...
Was kinda hung over this morning, til my alarm clock rang until burst I also didn't realize. So...I missed a day work. Supposed to be a shitty day, woke up with so much guilt. Then Anne called, said she is just at the cafe that outside of my house, with Nicole. Asked me if I wanna join. I said I had enough drinks last night and feeling so shitty. She asked me to join and eat over there. So I went. They already started to drink in the afternoon. I ordered a coffee and food. Mati mati also refused to drink no matter how they tempted me. I told them about the last night incident and some conversations that slowly brighten me up. I told Anne before, whenever I sees illuminating, I feels loved. I asked her to find a sign also. So she picked beeboobeeboo...a police car or an ambulance sound. That's how the way my bro sending her love...hahaha. Sweet though...And Nicole picked a sunny day, which is sweet also.
Just when we talked happily, I received a message from B. It's just some question that she wanted me to answer, but to me, the surprise really made my day. I was jumping up and down like crazy, I was smiling all the way til I reached home. Feeling so blessed and happy...thank you, thank you & thank you...woohoo~~~
What a wonderful day, I told her...although it was raining for the whole day. Although Nicole didn't see any clear sunny sky for few days already, although Anne don't hear any beeboobeeboo...But 3 of us was so cheerful, and we laugh all the way home.
Met a few friends there which I haven't seen for years, was mingling around. Then J saw a friend that we both knew as well. She started to come and chit chat with her for the whole night and left me aside. Sometimes touched my hair a while, sometimes held my hand, but the attention was still with that friend. We didn't talk much about the incident that happened few weeks ago. Just pretend nothing ever happened. After we finished the 3 jugs of beers, she told me that her friend L was asking us to go to another place. At first I was thinking maybe another pub or what, who knows it is a mini casino at ss2. I was a bit angry when I walked in and saw that kinda scenery. Cause I don't fancy all these stuff. Although there are unlimited beer supply. But it was bored. L started to lose quite alot of money, she kept swiping her card and ended up lost 18k. Imagine...how good if I've got 18k to spend instead of feeding this stupid machine. And J...also campur tangan for 'giving support'! I hate to see this and yet I was the one who drove her there so I just can't leave her there and go home. I have to wait...until she saw me fishing at the corner, then only she decided to leave...
To me, it was supposed to be another pleasant night to spend with my painkiller. But once I've seen her started to make so many excuses so that she could stay and gamble, I decided that I am not gonna take this pain killer anymore. Another thing is, she kept telling me who and who is going after her, who and who always humsup her, Ms.S wanted to patch back with her so badly.... whatever things that can possible make me jealous, I just smiles to her that's it.
Yes, I might be a vinegar pot sometimes but depend on who is that person. Wouldn't be bother so much if you don't really care about that person. She might can be a very good friend of mine, nothing else. Yes, this is my decision! And I've got no bad feelings towards my decision at all.
So while I was feeling so bored at the casino, I posted a status to my fb. Without sober, half drunk and half sleepy...I wrote: Yes I want you, but you are not the most I wanted. Not before, not presence and not in the future.
I knew she read that post. I was notified that she also posted a comment, but she has removed it as well. Although I couldn't see what she wrote, but definitely she has already angry with me. Is ok...this is what I want, right? No point to waste the time with someone that you don't love, or nothing in common with you. I just have to say...I love you J, sorry, please forgive me & thank you...The ho'oponopono...
Was kinda hung over this morning, til my alarm clock rang until burst I also didn't realize. So...I missed a day work. Supposed to be a shitty day, woke up with so much guilt. Then Anne called, said she is just at the cafe that outside of my house, with Nicole. Asked me if I wanna join. I said I had enough drinks last night and feeling so shitty. She asked me to join and eat over there. So I went. They already started to drink in the afternoon. I ordered a coffee and food. Mati mati also refused to drink no matter how they tempted me. I told them about the last night incident and some conversations that slowly brighten me up. I told Anne before, whenever I sees illuminating, I feels loved. I asked her to find a sign also. So she picked beeboobeeboo...a police car or an ambulance sound. That's how the way my bro sending her love...hahaha. Sweet though...And Nicole picked a sunny day, which is sweet also.
Just when we talked happily, I received a message from B. It's just some question that she wanted me to answer, but to me, the surprise really made my day. I was jumping up and down like crazy, I was smiling all the way til I reached home. Feeling so blessed and happy...thank you, thank you & thank you...woohoo~~~
What a wonderful day, I told her...although it was raining for the whole day. Although Nicole didn't see any clear sunny sky for few days already, although Anne don't hear any beeboobeeboo...But 3 of us was so cheerful, and we laugh all the way home.
Friday, January 7, 2011
New journey...
Started my new job. First day was on the 5th. Nothing , just feeling a bit exhausted. Still trying to adapt to it. Learn as fast as possible. As foresee now, everything seems tough, first day already heard so much of the politics, felt so much bad energies flowing around, but I have to carry on. No matter how hard it is. I want to build my better future, so lets get start here.
New office is in SS19, a memorable place. Good thing is that, I've got no more bad feelings in it. It's just a place anyways. Still missing her as usual, but I am much more in enjoying this feelings. No more pain...
Without the past experience...there will be no more new Hippo Tan, I'm just glad that I am happy with what I am now. Thank you, and I love u, B.
J call me again while I was on my way back. Asking me if I want to join her for a drink again tomorrow night. I am still considering. Recalling back what had happened last Saturday night, I am still freaking out. What have we done after a couple of drinks. I just feeling not right, it's kinda weird. I am actually single, but I'm feeling kinda unfaithful, *sweat*... Although Bees comforted me by saying that," there's no big deal big kid. It's just a kiss anyway...Why are you acting like u just got rape?" LOLZ!! Maybe a couple years back I have got no problems with handling all these kinds of stuff, it's just weird to me now.
I've been sleeping very early these days, around 11.30pm. Back to a normal life, wake up at 6am and working 6 days a week. My life is in peace like a still water...
New office is in SS19, a memorable place. Good thing is that, I've got no more bad feelings in it. It's just a place anyways. Still missing her as usual, but I am much more in enjoying this feelings. No more pain...
Without the past experience...there will be no more new Hippo Tan, I'm just glad that I am happy with what I am now. Thank you, and I love u, B.
J call me again while I was on my way back. Asking me if I want to join her for a drink again tomorrow night. I am still considering. Recalling back what had happened last Saturday night, I am still freaking out. What have we done after a couple of drinks. I just feeling not right, it's kinda weird. I am actually single, but I'm feeling kinda unfaithful, *sweat*... Although Bees comforted me by saying that," there's no big deal big kid. It's just a kiss anyway...Why are you acting like u just got rape?" LOLZ!! Maybe a couple years back I have got no problems with handling all these kinds of stuff, it's just weird to me now.
I've been sleeping very early these days, around 11.30pm. Back to a normal life, wake up at 6am and working 6 days a week. My life is in peace like a still water...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011...my first post...
Hello 2011! I'm glad that finally you're here...too many things I wanted to say, but I just feel blanked all in the sudden.
Yes...there is no turning back, not even worth to turn back, and no point to look back also...things that happened with what so ever reason, is already a past-tense. You cannot change the fact, so darling, why don't you just accept them as the part of your history and let it go? Why you choose to let your ego to control your emotional? Yes, sometimes you might feeling regret, for what you've done. And you wanna turn back...believe you me, things will keep repeating and same problems may occur again.
What I'm trying to say is, accept the fact, forgive and let go...Do not hide the ugly feelings. Then only you can face the same person or same situation with an opened heart again...with no criticism and guilt. That you will not make the same mistakes again, because you are living with your brand new you.
I love you as who you are B. But I am begging you to love yourself, to accept yourself, to value yourself. You deserve an abundance of love, you deserve all the good things, you deserve a joyful life. You deserve someone that appreciate you as who you are, love you deeply and giving all the best to you. Look at what you are having now, family and friends that love you, a good career, your car, your house, that you can breathe, you can eat, you can buy whatever that you like, sometimes go for a small vacation, and most of all...you are healthy. No one could take away all these things that you are having right now unless you don't love yourself. And I am sure, you are not gonna get hurt again.
I always ask myself, what I really want in my life? And my answer is always you. You are the one I'm dying for...the love to you is unconditionally, and no one could ever replace. I was too fear to show all my feelings especially to all my love ones. Because I found that to show them how much I love them is to show them how weak I am. And It proven I was wrong...it was not helping me at all and I ended up lost you. My ego has sending all my love ones away from me. There is always something for us to learn in every scene in our life, and you are a very special gift to me, to learn what love really is. That is to accept who you are and heal your wounds with the abundance of love...
Do not fear, that fear would only sending all the great things away from you. Do not hurt yourself, because you don't deserve it. All you need to do is a little steps forward, open your heart and the path is always there, just for you. I know you can, I've got the faith in you. It's ok to feel happy, cause this is what you supposed to be. It's ok to feel a lil emo sometimes, I know you're brave enough to face it.
And the last thing for tonight that I wanted to say...is...I'm always here. I've never leave you alone, not even once. Just bare in mind, you're not alone. Although you don't see me anymore, you don't talk to me and you don't feel me, but I am here.
-With love...
Yes...there is no turning back, not even worth to turn back, and no point to look back also...things that happened with what so ever reason, is already a past-tense. You cannot change the fact, so darling, why don't you just accept them as the part of your history and let it go? Why you choose to let your ego to control your emotional? Yes, sometimes you might feeling regret, for what you've done. And you wanna turn back...believe you me, things will keep repeating and same problems may occur again.
What I'm trying to say is, accept the fact, forgive and let go...Do not hide the ugly feelings. Then only you can face the same person or same situation with an opened heart again...with no criticism and guilt. That you will not make the same mistakes again, because you are living with your brand new you.
I love you as who you are B. But I am begging you to love yourself, to accept yourself, to value yourself. You deserve an abundance of love, you deserve all the good things, you deserve a joyful life. You deserve someone that appreciate you as who you are, love you deeply and giving all the best to you. Look at what you are having now, family and friends that love you, a good career, your car, your house, that you can breathe, you can eat, you can buy whatever that you like, sometimes go for a small vacation, and most of all...you are healthy. No one could take away all these things that you are having right now unless you don't love yourself. And I am sure, you are not gonna get hurt again.
I always ask myself, what I really want in my life? And my answer is always you. You are the one I'm dying for...the love to you is unconditionally, and no one could ever replace. I was too fear to show all my feelings especially to all my love ones. Because I found that to show them how much I love them is to show them how weak I am. And It proven I was wrong...it was not helping me at all and I ended up lost you. My ego has sending all my love ones away from me. There is always something for us to learn in every scene in our life, and you are a very special gift to me, to learn what love really is. That is to accept who you are and heal your wounds with the abundance of love...
Do not fear, that fear would only sending all the great things away from you. Do not hurt yourself, because you don't deserve it. All you need to do is a little steps forward, open your heart and the path is always there, just for you. I know you can, I've got the faith in you. It's ok to feel happy, cause this is what you supposed to be. It's ok to feel a lil emo sometimes, I know you're brave enough to face it.
And the last thing for tonight that I wanted to say...is...I'm always here. I've never leave you alone, not even once. Just bare in mind, you're not alone. Although you don't see me anymore, you don't talk to me and you don't feel me, but I am here.
-With love...
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